Don't take it personally

charleslpearson retweeted
Follow Vedanta @SwamiDoseDaily · Apr 24
The moment you take anything personally you're finished.

Alert Alley, The Mission, San Francisco

Do You Take Things Personally? Learn How Not To

By Carol Chanel 
carolchanel.com

Who doesn't want to know how not to take things personally?

Every time I say I help people learn how not to take things personally they always respond - oh, I need help with that.

So how do you learn not to take things personally? I remember people used to tell me that all the time and I really wanted to stop, I just didn't know how.

Let me give you an example. I remember the first man I really loved left me - 'rejected' me - for another woman. I really loved this man and thought he loved me. How could I not take that personally? It felt personal and a lot like rejection.

How did people do it - not take things personally? Did they have some secret system? Did they have a code, some kind of DNA that I didn't have?

Well I don't know about everyone else and here's what I learned. The reason we don't need to take things personally is because it's not personal.

How can that be? Isn't the person who is standing there screaming and being mean to me, saying something about ME? Isn't the boyfriend who just went four days without calling me, saying something about ME. Or how about the girl friend who just broke up with you for another guy, isn't that personal, isn't that about ME.

Maybe your boss was really cool and aloof today, 'isn't that about ME?' you ask. How about your mother who spent your entire life not being affectionate and warm, 'Isn't that about ME?'

Do you understand where I'm going with these questions? The operative word in those scenarios is ME. And here's the key. Drum roll please! When someone is doing or saying something to you, it is about THEM not you or ME. It's about THEM.

So the boyfriend who I mentioned broke my heart and 'rejected' me turned out to be a coward, a drug addict and basically a sad human being. He went off with a woman who could take care of him, financially. When I saw him years later I realized I had been spared a life of misery.

If you hear yourself say 'I can't believe they did or said that to ME', then you need to stop, take a deep breathe, and realize you used the ME word about someone else's behavior.

We make ourselves the important part of the interaction, when the truth is the other person is making themselves the important part of the interaction and that's why it's about them.

That's why it isn't personal. It isn't personal. It isn't about you.

Let's look at the aloof boss. I had a client whose boss was the most abrupt man in the world. And she thought it said something about her. He was just condescending, abrupt, contemptuous, overworked and that was just his professional life. He was also cranky. Guess what? She ultimately realized it wasn't personal, and that it didn't work for her to be intimidated by him. That's empowering when you can say, 'This doesn't work for me.' But as long as you take it personally, then you feel badly about yourself and you won't change your situation.

By the way, that particular client gave it right back to him one day and the whole dynamic shifting. He wasn't a bad guy, he was just a bully - as long as he could get away with it. And he didn't have a large enough support staff to help him, so he was irritated and cranky. They have a good working relationship now.

As we heal there are less and less raw spots for others to hit and hurt. There are less opportunities and reasons for us to react.

So the two ways to not take things personally are:

1. Remember it's not about you - it's about them.

2. Heal your wounds. Then the things people say and do won't hurt you.

While you are healing and growing, please remember when you hear yourself say: 'Why did she/ he do or say that to ME?' to take the ME out of the sentence. Change it to 'Why did they do or say that to THEMSELVES?' And realize you might not know the answer to that question.

Read More